Puffin' like there's no tomorrow!
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: The Original Scoobs have gained in power and wisdom over time, well power anyway, but they seem to have lost some of their sanity along the way. HPBuffy Xover.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**

A lanky twenty-something stoner with long brownish-blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail stumbled in, followed by a tubby bearded guy wearing a trench coat. "I'm just here to assure everyone that despite the title, they won't be rockin' the ganj', because the author is a Censored retard."

Jay blinked for a minute before yelling "What the Censored is this Censored ? He's censorin' my Censored language like he's the Censored FDA or something."

"FCC" Bob replied.

"Shut the Censored up, you talk too damn much. It's getting so I can't even hear myself speak in here." the 80's escapee muttered, before continuing.

"Anyway, despite the title (and the fact that it would be perfect for a story about us two guys) there won't be any drugs, not even the really harmless ones like pot. Hell, alcohol is worse for you then pot. This story is about some girlie show called 'Buffy the Vampire Layer'."

"Slayer" the chubby bearded guy whispered.

"Tunes later, Silent Bob. Work first. Damn, if it wasn't for me nothin' would get done." The greasy haired man said, before picking up his train of thought once more. "Anyway, despite the fact that Scooby Doo was just one long pot joke and the other… what the hell was the other thing this was crosin' with?" Reaching into a pocket he extracted a wadded up piece of paper and flattened it on his knee. "Harry Pothead? You've gotta be Censored me. With that title and these two drug joke crossovers they ain't got no herb? Man, sucks to be them. Well that's the disclaimer."

They stood there silently for a moment before Bob elbowed Jay in the side and jerked his chin towards the fourth wall.

"What? Oh, yeah. The author doesn't own Censored . We done here? I wanna go check out some NC-17 fics with that Dawn chick. She looked hot."

Bob reached forward, as if he was going to choke the life out of the departing stoner, then just sighed and shook his head, following him out.

* * *

'**Puffin like there's no tomorrow**

Three teams from the Watcher's Council watched (ironically enough) as a small army of demons prepared a Denari ritual circle over 50 ft. in diameter in an attempt to summon a true demon. The cost of such a ritual was insanely high and could only be performed at certain times and places, so it wasn't something that the council had a standard operating plan to deal with, as demons usually used the dozen or so easier methods that were commonly known.

Faith had developed a plan on the fly, while the teams were coordinating, and running it past the rest of the group had been met with large grins and a couple of chuckles.

The nine 'merely human', but heavily armed, demon hunters gathered in a group and were discussing angles of fire and group tactics, while the three magic users were figuring out the most effective way to disrupt the energies the demons were planning to raise.

Faith was comparing axes with Kennedy when the new slayer, Samantha spoke up "So, have you two been slaying long?"

Kennedy grinned "Since the Sunnydale Awakening." She never tired of seeing the look of awe in a newbie's eyes. Bragging rights for the battle against the First had scored her many free drinks and an impressionable gal or twelve.

"So you both became Slayers during the battle against the First?" Samantha asked, figuring the two for old friends from the easy camaraderie they seemed to share.

"Nope." Faith answered "I was a slay-gal before red worked her Mojo."

The Younger slayer looked confused for a moment " But you aren't the High-Slayer Buffy. She's supposed to be really short," Samantha held her hand a little below her right nipple "with blond hair like mine."

Faith share a laugh with Kennedy before replying "Nah, B's only an inch or two shorter than you, but the hair is about right, except she has dark brown roots."

"But if you were a Slayer before the awakening that would make you..." Samantha trailed off, her eyes widening in shock.

Faith winced internally while keeping her face impassive, some people copped an attitude when they discover who she was.

"Then you're Faith. The only slayer to ever have the strength to pull away from the dark."

The almost worshipful look Samantha gained threw Faith completely off-balance.

"My watcher told me all about you. He said that you were the only Slayer to ever have turned dark and found the strength to come back from it." The young Slayer said excitedly.

"What, ever?" Faith asked, shocked at the latest twist in the slayer mythos.

"Yep. He said that Guardian Harris gave a lecture, when he went to get a refresher course on 'The proper care and feeding of a Slayer.' There were a few complaints about the title, until they found out who was giving it and actually heard some of what he said. Rufus said it was the strangest mixture of humor and seriousness you ever heard and that when Harris seemed at his most whimsical was the time to take notes, because it'd turn out to be the most important bit. He'd mix it with a joke so you'd be more likely to remember it."

"And where do I come into it?" Faith asked, curious despite yourself.

"Guardian Harris outlined your situation in Sunnydale and pointed out how the council had failed you. He said that anyone stuck in your shoes would've gone dark. A couple of watchers made some disparaging remarks about you and after tearing them a new one, he told them that no slayer had ever turned back from the dark before. The fact that you did showed exactly how strong you were and how bad your life had to be at that point for you to have turned dark in the first place. He had references and pie charts and everything."

Faith turned away from her two sisters Slayers, her eyes suspiciously bright." Boy-toy always did know what's what. So, how did he end his lecture?"

Samantha shrugged "He brought out a shovel, but before he could say anything more Buffy the high slayer and Willow the white pulled him off the stage by his ears."

Kennedy laughed until she fell over as Faith stared at her curiously. "Huh?"

"The shovel speech..." she choked out, before losing it once more.

Samantha just shrugged when Faith gave her a questioning glance, as they waited for an explanation from the giggling slayer.

"What's the shovel speech?" Faith asked, after Kennedy seemed to have recovered enough to speak once more.

"The shovel speech," Kennedy began with a grin, "is where Xander shows you a shovel and tells you he will beat you to death with it and then use it to bury your remains, if you hurt one of his girls. I was given the speech after Sunnydale, when it looked like me and Willow were in it for the long haul."

Faith began to grin. "So, X was about to threaten an auditorium full of Watchers, witches, and demon hunters with a shovel? Yeah, I can see him doing that."

"So what are the three really like?" Samantha asked, excited to be with two people who had actually fought by the Scoobs' side.

Faith smirked. "I'll tell you about them if you tell me what's up with the titles."

"Titles?" The blond girl replied confused.

"You know; High Slayer, Guardian, White." The dark haired slayer explained.

Samantha's eyes lit up as she realized what Faith wanted to know. "I don't know who started it, but Buffy's called the High Slayer, because there was only suppose to be one, but now there's many and no one wants to give up the title, even though there is a lot of us now. Kinda like the Irish kings. So, just like the Irish kings the one with the most seniority is called the High King. I mean the High Slayer."

Faith shrugged. "I suppose that works."

Kennedy spoke up. "Willow the White?"

"Well, she's a white witch and her hair goes white when she really calls up the power. Plus, it sounds kinda cool, like from The Lord of the Rings."

Kennedy and Faith both chuckled at that.

"And Guardian Harris?" Faith grinned.

"Well, that's the easiest one to explain. I'm surprised you don't know it. Didn't you see him in all the slayer dreams when you became slayers?" Samantha blushed for a moment.

Faith shrugged. "I got a bunch from a long time ago, but nothing on current events. I didn't even get far enough to see Woody's mom."

Kennedy chimed in. "I didn't get the whole dream thing because I was in battle when it happened. Those of us at ground zero of the empowerment spell kinda skipped over that part."

Faith frowned. "What, you got me, Kennedy, and Buffy's slay-go-round dreams?"

Samantha nodded. "Yep. Not everything, but some of it and when a bunch of us compared notes we saw a lot of Harris throwing himself in harms way to protect slayers. We even got some dreams of things that the slayers weren't around to see."

"How did you see things the slayers weren't around to see?" Kennedy asked.

"Well, from piecing things together we figure we got some dreams from all the Scoobys; Willow, Harris, Buffy, even Giles." The young slayer answered with a brilliant smile.

"How does that work?" Faith asked.

"Near as we can figure, the others got connected to the slayer spirit somehow. There's even a bet going on that when the awakening spell was cast there were Scoobs called up to fill their roles. It's just that no one ever though to look for them yet and it's not like they'd be all that easy to find. Giles is like the watcher all watchers model themselves on, so if one was called up how could you tell? Willow is just as hard to tell, cause witches fighting the dark, not exactly rare these days. We figure Guardian Harris will be the easiest to find. How many swashbuckling hero types do you know, not counting slayers of course."

Kennedy and Faith just stared at her for a second, but before they could say anything one of the hunters rushed up.

"Hey, Sam. I know you're busy going over the game plan with these two hotties of slayer type, but I wanted to remind you that it's movie night and it's your turn to spring for pizza."

"David!" The blond slayer growled out. "Hello? Battle against an army of demons! There's no guarantee we're going to live long enough to rent movies!"

David looked over at the army of demons preparing for their ritual. "What, them?"

"Yes, them! Even with Faith's plan we'll still be dealing with over a third of them and that's a bit too many to count on an easy win against." Samantha finished, clearly agitated.

David just gave her a lopsided grin. "If it were just you, me, and Rachel, I'd lay odds on us going down, but it's not just us three. We have nine fully equipped hunter types," He stopped and posed for a second, "three fully trained magic users of the Wiccan variety and thanks to network television everyone knows about the whole power of three thing giving them a noticeable boost. So there you have it." David teased. "We have nine hunters and three witches for a total of twelve people. If we had any more on our side it would be unfair."

"Ahem." Sam growled out, annoyed at being left out of the count.

David pretended to ignore her as he turned to face the valley full of demons. "Twelve to stand against the legions of darkness. Twelve lone souls ready to give their lives to protect their fellow man!" He posed with his hands on his hips. You could practically see his imaginary cape fluttering behind him.

Faith and Kennedy watched with amusement as David pushed Sam's buttons.

"Ahem!" Sam practically shouted.

"Yes, you wanted something?" David drawled out, looking back at her from over his shoulder.

Samantha stamped her foot cutely. "I believe you are forgetting something."

David scratched his head, pretending to be confused, before turning and counting aloud the hunters and wiccans one by one. "Nope, twelve, that's everybody."

Sam smacked him in the shoulder. "Hello!"

"Ouch," He cried out dramatically "Slayer strength, slayer strength!" and pretended to be wounded.

"Exactly! Slayer here! In fact, three slayers here." Samantha told him firmly.

David seemed to consider that for a moment. "Isn't that a bit overkill? I mean we're looking at two thirds of them getting vaped, thanks to Ms. Faith's plan and that's only going to leave about a hundred left for us to play with. The wicked wiccas are already talking about some spell that should take out half of those left before exhausting them and that's barely going to leave us six apeice for us gun toting types. If you three join in there's not going to be much left for us normal guys to play with."

Kennedy stepped close to Faith and murmured, "Is it just me or does he seem a lot like Xander?"

Faith nodded and murmured back. "Yeah, he's an X alright, but don't say anything."

"Why," Kennedy asked curiously.

"Because B, Boy-toy, and Red are stressed enough without adding this to it. They still feel bad about activating all the slayers. Hearing that another three groups of people have been called up..." Faith trailed off for a minute before continuing. "I really don't want to see them snap. Can you imagine what would happen? B's got the slayer's scythe, a major artifact according to the watcher guys. Willow is still the strongest mojo flinger anyone has ever heard of and Xander... well he makes me nervous. I hear he cleared a nest over in Cambridge with a bit more enthusiasm then even the slayer on site was comfortable with. He set the place on fire and tossed grenades through the windows while it was burning. One demon managed to make it out the front door covered in flames, so X-man tripped him and rather then put the sorry bastard out of his misery he broke out some marshmallows."

Kennedy nodded. "Have to admit it was effective. With the exception of some freshly risen vamps who didn't get the word, the entire demonic population of the town split."

"What, all of them?" Faith asked.

"Every single one." Kennedy confirmed grimly. "Kill or be kill is fine with them when dealing with humans, they're used to it, but having a mere human pissed enough to use you as a campfire substitute to roast snacks on while telling ghost stories seems to upset them."

"He told ghost stories?"

"Yep, and used the demon's screams as sound effects for the tale. Apparently the demon was a bit resistant to burning to death so it took him about half an hour to die and all the while Xander was telling everyone about the time 'Deadboy senior' were possessed by ghosts. He really seemed to get a kick out of the fact that Angel was possessed by the female ghost." Kennedy finished with a grin.

"You were there?"

"I was the slayer on scene. He asked for me as backup because he didn't want Buffy or Willow to see what he was going to do."

"It sounds a bit harsh, are you sure he hasn't lost it already?"

"He had good reason for what he did. Remember Janet?" Kennedy said grimly.

"You mean Mighty Mite the Midget Slayer?" Faith asked with some concern.

"That's her. Well the nest he burned out was where the demons that put her into a coma lived."

"Whoa, Time out! Mite's in a coma? When did this happen?"

"Janet had just gotten back from patrolling the local graveyard near her house..."

"I thought she wasn't suppose to patrol." Faith interrupted.

"Well, as you've said before, Birds gotta fly, Fish gotta swim, and Slayers gotta slay, even if she's only twelve years old. Anyway, a group of demons jumped her at her front door. She managed to dust five vamps and a Angdrixll, before they dogpiled her. Turns out her twin brother was waiting up for her and heard the commotion. He hit the panic button and poured a canteen of holy water over his head. He either didn't know what would happen or just didn't care, cause the next thing he did was dive into the pile and pull her out."

Faith winced. "Ouch!"

"Ouch is right. The holy water may have burned the hell out of the vamps, but the dead flesh in contact with him burned the hell out of him too. About forty percent of his body needed skin grafts when the docs got their hands on him. He managed to drag her across the threshold before collapsing. Unfortunately they had another Angdrixll with them and he didn't need an invitation to enter their house, but when he bent down to drag them both outside, Brad buried his teeth in it's jugular. It managed to bang them around a little, but it bled to death too fast to do much else."

"Aspect?" David broke in, apparently him and Sam had dropped their argument in favor of listening to Kennedy's story, as her and Faith's conversation had gotten a bit loud.

Kennedy winced. One of the things all demon hunters had to guard against was gaining some demonic traits from exposure to the bodily fluids of the things they hunted. Active hunters were protected by spells and amulets, but inactive ones weren't expected to need them.

"Bad." She stated softly.

"How bad?" he asked gently.

"Very bad, but worse for him then for her. Her slayer abilities rejected most of the changes leaving her with a rather large pair of white wings. It's fighting off the contamination that's kept her in the coma. With the changes settling down she's expected to wake up at anytime."

"And him?" David asked, clearly wondering if he really wanted to know the answer.

"He's already awake. Won't leave her side either." Kennedy avoided the question he was really asking.

"And the aspect?" He asked again, not quite willing to let it go.

"Enhanced physical stats on a level with most vamps..." Kennedy trailed off.

"And?" He prodded gently.

"And his skin grew back. He now has red skin, a pair of small horns, and a tail complete with little spade dealy."

Everyone winced at Kennedy's description.

"So she comes out of it looking like an angel and he looks like Satan?" David's laugh had little humor in it.

"Basically." She replied with a sigh.

"If they were both exposed to the same demon's blood, why the big difference?" Sam asked.

"It's just the way things worked out. The males of the species have tails while the females have wings and he got a lot more of the characteristics then her because of all the blood he swallowed while ripping out it's throat. It could have been worse, he could have gotten the extra eyes and the cricket like legs."

David nodded. "Good point. How's he taking things?"

"He doesn't seem to care about his own changes. He's still waiting for her to wake up. The shrink assigned to the case said he's too focused on Janet to get any real response from him. Until Janet wakes it's like talking to a brick wall."

David smiled approvingly and tapped Sam on the shoulder. "I think we may have to stop by and give them some training. You know, basic combat and slaying, some demolitions and a couple of amulets to cover up the changes."

The three slayers opened their mouths to question David about the wisdom of teaching a pair of pre-teens demolition, but were interrupted by the arrival of one of the Wiccans.

"Major problem guys! We have a huge buildup of power just North of the demons. We don't know what it is, but the magical signature is off the charts!" The brunette witch danced from foot to foot nervously, causing some major jiggling that distracted both David and Kennedy.

A flash of light drew everyone's attention to the northern side of the small valley and revealed three strangely dressed figures.

A short blond woman dressed in a tiny white Japanese semi-fuku with big blue bows and rainbow trim, twirled a strangely shaped poleax, just missing the two huge balls her hair was woven into on the sides of her head.

To her left was a women with a curtain of waist length red hair falling behind her and a similar outfit with red bows and trim.

Behind them stood a dark haired man with an eyepatch and a domino mask wearing a black tuxedo, liberally decorated with weapons painted a garish red and green cammo pattern.

The blond stepped forward and proclaimed, "I'm the sailor suited warrior of love and justice, Sailor Moon and secluded valleys in the middle of nowhere are for picnics and outdoor sex, not rituals designed to interrupt our playtime. In the name of the moon I'll punish you!"

The two figures with Moon just stared at her until she elbowed the redhead. "Ahem, Mars the shield."

The two quickly broke out of their stupor. Mars gestured with her hands and chanted something no one could catch, enclosing the valley in a shimmering dome of light that caused the vampires to moan and collapse, desperately trying to shield themselves from the light it gave off as they began to smolder.

The man in a tuxedo swung a rocket launcher, with the word rose stenciled on the side, into position and grinned. "Take heart Sailor Moon, as long as good has superior fire power, evil shall never claim the Twinkie of victory!"

Everyone just stared as the three began decimating the demons ranks with artillery, fireballs, and a rapidly moving poleax.

"Is that?" Samantha asked.

"Yep." Came the stunned, but not really surprised response from Faith and Kennedy.

"Cracked?" David questioned.

Faith and Kennedy looked at each other and shrugged, before Faith answered "Maybe a little."

* * *

AN: It's completely unbetaed. As always reviews encourage me to write more, often on different stories for some strange reason. Anywho, any corrections send me a PM don't leave them in the review please. 

I'll be correcting and editing this on and off for a couple of days.


	2. Not a penguin

**Disclaimer**

"Dude, I told you we'd hit the jackpot and we did, so stop givin' me those **Censored** looks!" Jay complained from between the two identical blue haired girls he had his arms wrapped around.

Silent Bob just glared at him.

"What? They're legal. Hell, according to the law they've been legal for two years. They may not be legal in the states… but they're legal from where we got them, well except for the whole angel-clone-hybrid **Censored** and I'm not sure, but I think cloning is like a federal crime."

Another three girls, identical to the first two, wandered in. Long blue hair and red eyes were a bit unusual, but it complemented their pale skin, all of which was on display since they were all sans clothes.

Bob blinked and stared as more girls trickled in until there was almost no room for him in the scene.

"I couldn't leave them there; that freaky scientist chick was goin' melt 'em. Don't be such a heartless bastard! It was a rescue operation and I can't believe you're getting **Censored** about it!" Jay snorted in disgust.

Bob just stared at him for a minute, before looking thoughtful and nodding; agreeing silently that Jay's heart was in the right place, for once.

"Good, now come on Tubby, we've got to teach them how to live, cause being clones of that Dawn chick all they know how to do is obey orders and go to school. Well, that and pilot giant robots. It's up to us to teach them everything else."

"Jailbait, ho!" Jay called out, leading the girls off screen.

Bob was swept along in the river of blue hair and pale skin.

Jay's voice could be heard faintly as they all headed out, "Do the words 'Baseball Rule' mean anything to you girls?"

A burst if flame heralded the arrival of a winged figure. "Behold, The Voice of the Almighty, for I am the Metatron…" the booming voice trailed off as he glanced around.

"Damn, I must have missed my cue. Oh well, at least they're older than Mary was when she had Jesus."

The Metatron straightened his immaculate suit, enjoying the fact that no one had tried to use a fire extinguisher on him for once, before pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket.

"Let's see… the author claims no ownership over the Harry Potter series or the Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. He's also not the owner of any series from Jersey or set in Japan. Quite frankly he doesn't own any intellectual property of note, except possibly the idea of crossing BtVS and Eva and that was used solely for the Multiple-Jailbait-Naked-Dawn-Clones scene. Of course that's worth about two years in the twenty-third circle of Hell, (That's the Hell of waiting in DMV lines for those that are interested) or if God is feeling particularly cruel she could always just make him do an SI in that world. Typically they last about six months, but the therapy to recover from it takes decades."

The Metatron scratched the side of his head thoughtfully, before continuing, "I'd also like to state for the record that I am in no way related to Severus Snape and that he has earned quite a long sentence for his actions, as the evil he has done far outweighs the good, and he only gets partial credit for the good because it was really a half assed effort. I'm thinking of requesting he be put in Harry's place and forced to live through Harry's life before he is sentenced. Thus ends the disclaimer!"

**AN: Wait a minute, what the hell do you mean I'm going to be forced to do an SI?! I don't write SIs!!**

The Metatron smirked. "Well you should have thought of that before you wrote this, shouldn't you."

**AN: Fine, in that case the part of Severus Snape will be played by the Metatron for the duration of this fic! Two can play at this game!**

"You, bastard, I'll make you regret this!"

**AN: Muhahaha!!**

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Everyone quickly geared up and rushed down into the valley, to crowd around the translucent barrier and watch the battle raging inside.

"Any way to bust this puppy open?" Faith asked, carefully poking it with a wooden stake, having learned her lesson and lost her favorite knife poking a magical barrier once before and finding out that using conductive material was a very bad idea.

"Nope. It's being held together with more power then we can raise. Willow the White is way beyond our level. All we could do is distract her by trying," Rachel said apologetically, before rejoining her magically inclined colleagues in taking notes on the spell casting being done inside the dome.

"Damn!" Faith cursed, pissed that a major battle was raging and all she could do was watch.

"Popcorn?" David held up a bag of popcorn, to a confused Kennedy, who was wondering why three of the soldiers had brought lawn chairs and popcorn to a battle.

"No, thanks."

David turned to the soldier in the chair next to him, who gave the impression of being related to him, despite being of Latin stock and with much darker hair and skin. "Look at them go. Did anyone think to bring a video camera, cause this is better than Lord of the Rings."

"I think Sharon has one on a tripod back in the clearing pointed this way. She had it set up for the Watcher's archive. Says it'll be good for the watchers in training to see what a large scale battle looks like. Most of them think it's all cloak and dagger, hiding in shadows work," Frank replied, flinching and taking a sip of his soda as a vamp hit the shield in front of them and exploded into ash.

The third soldier, Greg, who definitely had a large amount of Swedish ancestor, being about 6'1" and blond and who also gave the impression of being related to the other two despite that, grinned wolfishly. "I never get tired of seeing demons get diced by a happy slayer."

"Happy slayer! Are you kidding me?! How can you sit there and say she's happy with only her and her two friends against a legion of enemies?" Kennedy complained, furious at one of the hunters for taking Buffy's battle so casually.

"Whee!" Buffy cheered loudly, as she combined what looked to be a cheerleading routine and a spear kata into whirling death that removed the limbs and heads from several of the demons surrounding her.

Greg took another sip of his soda and pretended Kennedy hadn't said anything, while a laughing Willow threw fireballs like confetti into the opposing forces, mercifully dusting some of the moaning vampires, as the masked Xander sniped targets of opportunity while guarding the witch's back.

Kennedy blushed.

"Where'd you guys get the popcorn and the chairs?" Faith asked.

Samantha snorted. "David always brings a fold up chair and popcorn. After all the heavy fighting's done and there's no doubt we're going to win, he breaks it out and acts like he's watching a football game."

"You're the one who said that I shouldn't get in the way and complained that I followed too close, while making sure everything was dead," David said, not taking his eyes off the battle.

"Yeah... well that Kavenick almost got you by playing possum."

"Kav'ck and that was one time out of how many dozens?" he asked, taking a swig of root beer.

"One is all it takes," Samantha worried, twisting a stake in her hands.

"Exactly, so now I sit on the sidelines and encourage you to do your best," David said proudly.

Samantha ground her teeth together. "You act like it's a sport. You brought an extra chair for Rachel and started cheering and let's not forget last week!"

"What about last week?" Kennedy asked curiously.

"Last week," the blond slayer growled out angrily, "Rachel and him broke out the chairs before the battle even started! We were more heavily outnumbered then we'd ever been before and likely going to die and they sit down and start arguing about how many I'd kill, before the demons broke and ran, and which was going to die the most painful death."

"So what happened?" Faith asked, hiding a grin, as she thought she saw where this was going.

"The demons got scared for some reason and ran off before I…" Samantha trailed off and got a thoughtful look on her face.

"You try it yet?" David asked Greg.

"Nah, don't have a steady gig and while I don't have a slayer to work with yet, to practice psychological warfare on the locals with, I notice that when I howl in the middle of battle they flinch and if enough of the others with me join in, they run." Greg grinned ferally.

The other two examined Greg carefully.

"Wolf?" David asked curiously.

"Timber wolf, if you want to be picky about it." Greg pulled a wolf's head talisman out of his shirt, "Got a shaman to help me connect with my totem."

"Cool. My adventures with the canine kind were a bit different," David explained, "some idiot thought he could create a werecoyote, after reading it in a web comic and tried it out on me."

"Did it work?" Frank asked.

"Not really. I ended up looking like a furry and it took forever to get that and the eye in my palm to go away. It's kinda still there, but mostly gone."

Frank laughed. "I don't feel so bad now. I thought mine was the worst, just the universe having another joke at my expense. I was possessed by my dead dog and forced to chase cats and cars for about a week."

Greg scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I don't suppose you both got your military skills through unusual means too?"

David smirked. "Rachel tried casting a spell to give me strength of arms and instead I ended up thinking I was a cartoon character called Duke."

"Hmmm. I sense a theme here," Frank muttered.

"I think you're right. I got mine from a half-blood Apache shaman who was in world war two and died while dream walking," Greg admitted.

Frank started laughing as the other two waited to see what the joke was. "Now it all makes sense. I was chosen by a cult of Elvis worshippers and forced to wear his army fatigues while they tried to resurrect him, using me as a vessel."

Faith broke in, "How does that fit?"

"Guess what kind of dog I had." Frank's grin was infectious as the other two soldiers got the joke and started laughing.

"I completely envy you right now," Greg said, "Elvis had a nearly magical ability to make women remove their panties and if you got to keep even a tiny bit of your hound dog's sense of smell... well I think your 'club hunting' skills should be godlike."

"Dibs on the horn dog who was a hound dog," Faith called out, jumping in Frank's lap, much to his surprise. "You now have your very own slayer and there are certain itches you are required to help scratch after patrols. There are other rules, but we can work them out later, capich?"

Frank just nodded dumbly.

Greg grinned. "So that's how you get a slayer. I always thought there was some ceremony or they combed through the records to pick the best."

Faith grinned and ground her leather clad rear against Frank's crotch. "Nope, we pick who gets permanent duty with us."

Kennedy eyed the other two hunters thoughtfully and Samantha quickly sat in David's lap, trying to look casual, but with a hand tightly gripping her axe, practically daring someone to comment.

Wisely, no one did.

Kennedy contemplated Greg, who had returned his attention to the ongoing battle.

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Xander tossed a grenade into the center of a knot of demons who had pulled back to regroup. The last thing he wanted was to see an organized resistance among the cannon fodder. He wasn't quite sure what kind of demon the blue spikey ones were, but they blew up nicely, coating everything within ten feet of them in a sticky blue goo. Willow sent a wave of flame to follow Xander's grenade and the two discovered that not only was the blue goo sticky, but apparently it was also flammable. The two repeated the tactic several times, just for the humor value alone, as they both thought that seeing demon running around screaming, batting at flames was funny.

Buffy was busy playing Cuisinart with her scythe and occasionally calling out battle cries, like 'For the Honor of Greyskull' and 'Thundercats Ho!', which were definitely off genre, but amused her none the less. Even Xander would have to admit that her yelling 'Care Bear Stare' caused more confusion and fear among the enemy than his grenades.

Willow had just released a wave of green flames into the advancing hordes, when a large blue demon with curled goat horns and legs shimmered into existence behind her.

Buffy's warning came too late for Willow to shield against the ball of sparkling light that it flung at her back, but Xander had just enough time to throw himself in the way.

The flash blinded everyone inside and outside the dome, and when their vision cleared… Xander was gone.

**AN: I need sleep, so I'll leave you with a cliff hanger!**


	3. Flightless aquatic seabirds

**Disclaimer:**

A skinny, and more than a little sleazy, Caucasian man stumbled in, his light brown hair covered by a baseball cap he had on backwards. "Fine, I'm here! What am I here for again?"

"Damn it, Randall! Just say your lines," yelled a voice from off stage.

"Lines? I knew I forgot something. Hey, weren't you suppose to remind me about all this crap?"

"I did! I told you a week ago that you were supposed to make sure you had your lines down, I told you three days ago that it was only a couple of days from now and you should memorize them, so you wouldn't freeze up, and last night I reminded you that you had to perform in the morning, so you should get to sleep early."

"Well, yeah, but did you tell me it was important?"

"I told you it was important three weeks ago when you volunteered for this gig. I said 'Hey, Randall. This is an important gig, it could lead to big things for us, so please don't **Censored** it up!'."

"Yeah, but have you told me that lately?" Randall nodded at the frustrated scream from off stage. "So, in the end, it's really your fault that I am completely unprepared. I can't believe you let me down like this. I mean, you are the one person I depend on in this life to keep me from **Censored** up, and you're falling down on the job."

A slightly overweight man who looked like a Gen-Xer that wished he was a Boomer, with a bizarre, tiny, dark beard, (that looked like a goatee that had climbed half way up his face to merge with his mustache) stomped onscreen. "I can't believe you're making me do this. You only have a couple of lines and they said you were free to adlib, as long as it got the point across. Why can't you remember it?"

Randall rolled his eyes. "Come on, Dante, just tell me the lines and we'll head off for breakfast."

"Fine! The author doesn't own any of the intellectual property belonging to anything set in Jersey, Japan, or the United States of America. There, now say your lines."

"Why should I? You said the words, we are onscreen, 'The Job' is done. I don't see how it'll make any difference if I repeat them at this late date."

"I can't believe you! You knew what the job was when you took it and you still drug me out of bed and…" Dante trailed off growling.

"Come on, say it."

"Say what?"

"Your catch phrase. That's the reason I set this whole thing up. Since we run the Quickie Mart and you're always there in the morning you haven't had a chance to use it in a while. I figured you missed it, so I'd give you a chance to say it."

"Really? Damn, that's more thoughtful of you than I'm used to."

"Yeah, I'm a prince. So, go for it."

Dante grinned. "I'm not even supposed to be here today!"

"Feel better?"

"Yeah, surprisingly enough, that felt pretty good."

"Cool, only I thought your catchphrase was something about me, anally raping your mother, while pouring sugar in your gas tank."

"Nah, that was just a one off."

Randall grinned as Dante headed off to the car. "Damn, but I love that man."

**AN: That was sooo gay.**

"Hey, I meant it in a platonic way, like that 80's reject is always saying about his fat friend!" Randall protested.

**AN: Sure… but Jay has made enough Freudian slips that you know how he really means it.**

"Yeah, well I meant it as he pretends to mean it!"

**AN: Fine, I'll downgrade my opinion of you from flamer to bi-curious. **

Randall ground his teeth together. "I'll get you back for this, I swear it!" he growled and stomped off stage.

**AN: *snicker* I may not be able to snark at the higher ups, but normal humans are fair game.**

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"Xander!" cried two panicked female voices from inside the dome.

"What?" came the reply from four different directions, as four individuals climbed to their feet, brushing off dirt and bits of demon.

The battle paused as everyone, even the demons, took in the four.

Wearing jeans, an eye patch, a leather jacket, and a wolfish grin, one of the Xanders twirled the golden, double bladed, battle axe he held. "Oh, I can see we're going to have a lot of fun here."

"Yes, I couldn't agree more," a tuxedo clad Xander with two eyes said agreeably, his golden foil whistling through the air as he ran through a couple of simple movements at a blindingly fast speed to loosen up.

"I just wish there was a bit more water. I mean, I like the mountains, but we never get a chance to go swimming." The golden trident he held was almost ignored, as everyone noticed this Xander was wearing nothing more than a Speedo and also had both his eyes.

The last Xander was dressed in fatigues, had no missing bits, and if he had a golden weapon it wasn't visible beneath the numerous weapons that he'd apparently gotten from Xander-Mask. "Hoo Rah! I love target rich environments!"

As Soldier-Xander opened up on full automatic, mowing down a line of demons, the battle was rejoined.

Willow and Buffy put aside their questions till later, as apparently Xander was fine, just feeling a bit beside himself, twice over apparently.

The spellcaster behind Willow fell quickly, as Tuxedo-Xander's rapier disassembled it like it was a snow sculpture and his blade was still blazing hot from the forge.

Speedo-Xander wasn't exactly doing bad himself, as his trident ripped huge chunks out of the toughest demons with ease, but about two minute into the fight Willow teleported him outside the dome.

He was just too distracting.

**0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

"Awww. I was just getting into that," Speedo-Xander complained, but without too much force, as he wasn't exactly dressed for this battle and he was getting really thirsty.

"Anyone have something to drink?"

Greg handed him a root beer while everyone stared at him.

"What, do I have something on my face?"

"Xander?" Faith ventured, not even using her customary nickname for him.

"The one and…" Xander looked into the dome and shrugged, "of four."

"What happened?" Kennedy asked.

"I'm non-mixy with all but the whitest of magics. So, one demonic spell, meant to do God knows what to my Willow and poof, we have surround sound Xander. I'm guessing it set off all the old Hellmouth strangeness that I've gone through before. I mean, I've been split with magic and I've been possessed a time or two and it looks like all my different bits have come out to play."

"But which one is the real you?" Faith asked.

"All of us," Xander answered. "It's not clones so much as aspects of myself. The only thing that didn't come out is my inner child, thank God!"

"How can you tell in that mess?" Faith snarked.

"You'd be able to hear his chainsaw over the roar of battle. Trust me on this."

Everyone blinked and tried to process this, even Faith, who was an old hand at Scooby Brand weirdness, when Xander started talking again, "So, Kennedy, what's on your mind?"

"What?"

"I've noticed for a while that something has been on your mind, but you seemed reluctant to talk about it and since nothing is going on right now, I thought you might want to get it off your chest."

Kennedy, frowned at the thought that Xander considered this to be 'nothing going on', but realized that from his perspective nothing was going on. The group outside the dome might as well have all brought chairs and popcorn to watch the festivities for all the effect they would have on this battle. Taking a deep breath she decided to bite the bullet and simply ask, "Did you ever regret losing an eye to save me?"

"Not once," he replied not even needing to think about it.

"Really?!"

"Willow was in a fragile place at the time and losing you would have destroyed her. I'd cheerfully march off to my doom, as long as it kept her safe. I'd do that for any one of my girls."

"So, since it was for one of your girls, it's alright?" Kennedy asked, her voice tight as she dug into the ground with the toe of her boot.

"Yep." Xander reached out and gently lifted her chin so he could look her in the eye, as he realized she wasn't quite getting what he was saying. "And saving the life of one of my girls is always worth it, especially when it's in addition to keeping my Willow happy."

Kennedy engaged in the time honored Scooby tradition of attempting to hug Xander to death, which he accepted without protest, giving brief thanks to the gods that he was both tougher and could last longer without air than a normal human.

"Damn, Boytoy! Don't you have any survival instincts?" Faith burst out as she watched Soldier-Xander tear through group of demons with a handgun and a knife.

Xander looked over at the battle, still hugging Kennedy gently as she regained her composure. "Sure, that's him with the axe."

The Axe wielding Xander grinned ferally at the dozen or so different demons gathered in front of him, the last pocket of resistance. "Come on you bitches, lets rock!" he howled and dove into them.

Everyone stared at Xander with wide eyes.

"Are you sure you aren't suicidal?" Faith asked softly, having been there before herself.

"Nah, you're looking at it all wrong. If I didn't do everything I could to keep those I love safe… I wouldn't be me and that's a fate worth than death." Xander shrugged, unable to find the words to explain, what he thought everyone should already know.

The dome popped like a soap bubble as Willow waved a hand at it and Buffy and the three other Xanders started walking towards the rest of the group.

**AN: Still no beta. Message me with any errors you find and I'll fix them, unless they are on purpose or I'm feeling too lazy.**


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